I’m not your (neuro) typical woman …
Earlier this year I went into a *hyper focus exploring the interplay between neuro diverse nervous systems and “the system.”
(*FYI- I’ll share more about hyper focus in another blog.)
I took 2 weeks off work (no income) because my neuro diverse brain HAD to make sense of something I was experiencing in both my personal and professional life.
It was a glaringly obvious realisation that the neuro diverse nervous system bumps up against “the system” at times basically because humans were never designed to be put in a box.
During that 2 week “holiday” I spent no less than 10 hours each day, every day (Monday through Sunday, 14 days in a row) writing out my life story for the purpose of looking at it through a systemic lens.
I REAL-eyes-ed in each life “chapter” my neuro diverse nervous system had bumped up against “the system” and those moments had profoundly shaped me.
It seems so bloody obvious now …
Structured systems (school, family, medical, corporate etc) are almost exclusively built to measure, optimise and reward “doing.” They value linear output, predictable schedules and conformity.
It makes TOTAL sense (now) that a neurodivergent system that operates on unique energy, non-linear processing & intrinsic motivators would bump up against rigid structures.
The heart breaking/ frustrating AF truth is that the system usually labels the person who is unwilling/ unable to conform as “broken” or “deficient,” rather than recognising that the framework itself is narrow (AKA the box is too bloody small.)
I’m about to share just one example from one of the many chapters in my life … ‘twas the time my neuro diverse system first bumped up against the school system.
I was about 6 years old and already an avid lover of story (both writing & reading.) It just happened to be creative writing time, my favourite time of the week. While other kids were moaning & groaning, I could hardly contain my excitement - I was about to escape the world & head off on an adventure into the unknown.
While other kids faffed around sharpening pencils and deciding on a title I’d already written half a page. I became fully engrossed in my story, what the main character was feeling, thinking, seeing and what she’d do next.
I was so deep IN the story that the ‘real’ world around me began to dissapear. (If only it wasn’t for those damn kids around me who were faffing about. What was taking them so long to start? Didn’t they like writing stories?) It made sense to me to get out of my desk and lay on the floor to keep writing uninterrupted. Somehow laying on the floor kept me anchored to the earth and my story.
WHACK!
Suddenly there was a very loud noise that violently burst the creative bubbble I was in.
It was the sound of the teacher smacking a metre long ruler onto her desk.
Next I heard shouting …
“EMMA STUBBS GET UP! THIS IS NOT YOUR PERSONAL LOUNGE ROOM!”
Wait, what? I was being yelled at.
The combination of being abruptly ripped from my “zone” only to be yelled at AND humiliated in front of my class mates felt completely unjust.
So I did what any self respecting 6 year old (who hasn’t yet been broken by the system) might do. I stood up and walked out of the classroom, slamming the door behind me!
For a shy & sensitive kid it was a bold act of self preservation… and a big fat, FK. YOU! to an unfair system.
I ran down the corridor in a courageous escape for freedom …
…and then stopped at the bottom of the stairs & waited for my big sister to come down and collect me for hometime.
As I stood and waited. I became acutely aware of the smell of disinfectant mixed with poo, the sound of sneakers squeaking on the hall floor, the fluorescent lights shining down on me … and worst of all the feeling of absolute shame that was now flooding my little body.
I didn't know there were still 3 hours left of the school day.
That’s a lot of time to marinate in shame and convince yourself the teacher was right: “I AM naughty. I AM lazy. I AM bad. I AM … broken. I will sit up straight and avoid the creative bubble at all costs so I never have to feel this way again…”
Looking back at this moment in time as a late diagnosed autistic woman - with 40 extra years of life experience AND through a systemic lens - gives me more perspective and a lot more compassion for myself (& even the “shouting” teacher.)
What was happening for ME was hyper focus or something called autistic monotropism which is where the mind pulls all of its attentional resources into a single, high-intensity focus (a creative bubble) In that hyper focus state my brain was fully allocated to the story. Any sensory input from the room (kids sharpening pencils & faffing about) could burst my bubble. Lying down physically cut off visual distractions & created a protective bubble around my focus.
There was also something happening called proprioceptive input & grounding. A lot of autistic folk experience differences in proprioception (the internal state of where our body is in space) sitting upright in the metal school chairs of the 80’s would have required constant, unconscious muscle adjustments. By lying flat on the hard floor I would have received deep pressure input across my entire body. This type of sensory grounding would have acted kinda’ like a weighted blanket, calming the nervous system & reducing the effort needed to maintain posture. …And (had I not been interrupted) it would have freed up ALL my brainpower for the story.
There was also a lil’ dash of something called Autistic Inertia & flow state happening. Once an autistic mind gains momentum in an area of high intrinsic interest (eg story writing / taking 2 weeks off to make sense of systems) it enters a profound flow state. (FYI- for me personally this is one of THE best feelings in the world.) Basically as a 6 year old kid in a flow state I was ‘naturally’ doing everything required to keep my internal, non-linear creative momentum flowin.’
Dare I say- Today’s school system is still largely designed for human ‘doings’ who can conform to a system.
What was happening for the teacher? (Aside from what might have been going on in her private life.) Through a systemic lens she was in the role of teacher, being paid by a system to maintain the conformity of a system.
To be viewed by the system as a “good” first grade teacher in the 80’s required having your students sit up straight at their desks. From a system perspective she was ‘simply’ being a good teacher.
…
Anyway loooong story short …
If you ever find yourself bumping up against a system… before you drown in shame & start telling yourself things like: “I AM naughty, I AM wrong, I AM broken…”
… PLEASE take a moment to consider the following:
Maybe you’re not fkd - the system is?
Much love, Em
P.S/ If enough of us are brave enough to self advocate for our unique nervous systems … Who knows- perhaps we’ll reshape the world?
(bare)Foot note: 40 odd years later I found myself facilitating a bi-weekly Kids Group made up of mostly neuro diverse kids under 5. I fondly remember one 4 year old who could only tap into his creativity if he squatted ON the craft table. Sitting AT the table invoked his fear of having to ‘get something right.’
Creativity requires letting go … knowing you can’t get it wrong. Creativity thrives when it’s out of control … (systems are maintained with control.)
